There will be no Disney Plus in this house. Thanks to my kiddo’s mad hate for kid movies. Looks like I get to pocket that $6.99 per month.
He does tolerate watching football. On TV. When we go out to eat. Because we don’t watch TV at home.
Football games appeal to him because they have logic. And rules. Everyone has specific tasks to do and if you do something crazy, the referee can step in and restore order. My kid likes order and predictability.
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The logic of kid movies
Disney movies also follow predictable logic. There’s the dead mother, a plot based on some obscure legend, the problem the hero has to solve, the happily-ever-after ending, and a monster.
My kid has only noticed the logic in football games. When it comes to movies, he’s only noticed the monsters. Or the part where the tiger tries to eat the man-child (as tigers do.)
Or the dark cave where Moana does something. I wouldn’t know what, because that’s as far as we get in this movie. Suddenly it’s all crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Oh, the horror and suspense. DON’T GO IN THERE, MOANA! BAD THINGS AWAIT!
Now I know Moana is gonna be fine. How fine? No idea. Since I’m not allowed to watch the whole movie. Maybe she’ll turn into her spirit grandma or fall in love with Dwayne Johnson or learn to play Cards Against Humanity. Whatever it is, she’ll do it BIG and I might cry like I do when the kid finds the bell under the Christmas tree in The Polar Express.
The surprising thing
I keep telling my kid that when the movie ends, THE HERO WINS! LOVE ABOUNDS! THE HEROINE GOES ON TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY! He refuses to believe me. It’s probably my fault.
Because we don’t watch TV. You can read my philosophy on this, how I decided to experiment and follow the pediatrician’s “no TV til 2” recommendation.
Maybe I got carried away. My oldest is in elementary school now.
We do most anything most days except watch TV. He goes all in with little trucks or legos or visiting the library. It never really occurs to him that he could be watching TV.
This means he hasn’t gotten much practice learning the logic and rules, the inns and outs of plot development on the big screen.
Not that I haven’t tried. Especially if it’s raining. When, I’m, like, MOVIE TIME! And I cajole him into watching Moana (again). Until we get to the damn cave scene (again). Cue crying jag. And I give up (again).
There goes another chance for him to learn the comforting, predictable logic in kid movies, assuring him that eventually all will be well.
Perhaps this is the dark side of limiting my kid’s TV exposure?
Reading books
In my attempt to foster creativity and guard against the evils of screen time, I’ve limited his engagement with the ancient art of storytelling.
Ok, I hear you saying, BUT BOOKS!
Yes, I’ve thought of that, too.
Other than hating The Polar Express, because “it makes mommy cry,” he does GREAT with books.
I think I know why. With books, the action takes place in your brain. You get to control what you “see” inside your head. You get to be your own little referee restoring order when the story gets crazy.
With TV shows and kid movies, someone else controls the visuals. You are AT THEIR MERCY. And this is terrifying to my son.
But think of everything you’d miss if you only read a book. Opera. River Dance. Cirque du Soleil. The amazing Harry Potter movies. And, of course, Star Wars.
Now I may have read Return of the Jedi in novel form in fifth grade. But let’s be honest, WHO DOES THAT?! Also, THE MOVIE IS GOOD! (When you’re in fifth grade, you don’t question Mark Hamill’s acting ability or his 70’s hair.)
Movie basic training
Recently I learned that my kiddo gets to watch “Finding Nemo” at school. If you’ve seen it, you’re all big, frikkin deal. To me, the mother of a raving-anti-movie-ite, this sounds like the 5th circle of hell. I don’t need him branded a cry baby because of a dumb Disney flick.
So today, we began MOVIE BASIC TRAINING. With one goal: watch a classic kid movie from start to finish. Also known as, strapping your kid to a chair and propping his eyeballs open and forcing him to watch monsters and shit.
Here goes:
1. The book
I bought Finding Nemo – the book – and we read it as a family and discussed all its plot twists and turns.
2. Popcorn bribery
I promised popcorn and gathered everyone together on the couch in our jammies on a Sunday morning (no rain in sight, plus SKIPPING CHURCH!) to WATCH THE MOVIE. Did I mention the popcorn was BUTTERY with just the right amount of salt and no burnt kernels in sight?
3. Cuddle buddies
We turned on the movie and HELD HANDS. We practiced yoga breathing and paused the movie to talk through the hard parts. Which mostly meant facing down the fear of what horrid thing might happen next.
4. Laughter is good
And when things were funny, we LAUGHED LOUD. Because this movie is funny! The pelican says, “Shut up!” The puffer fish burps without saying, “Excuse me!” What could be greater than that to a boy learning to navigate the rules of polite society?
5. Discussion time
Afterwards we discussed what we liked about it. He said, EVERYTHING! But I remembered his heart beating a million times a second when the jellyfish stung Dory. So I pressed him to tell me what he didn’t like.
He stuck to his guns: I told you, I like EVERYTHING! I’m pretty sure he was taking the easy way out, trying to be super brave. Because he knew I wanted him to like it.
6. Bonus features
Then we watched the bonus features and learned it took Pixar THREE YEARS to make this thing. From screenplay to storyboard to observing how dogs express sadness and angst and happiness. Because fish are, um, exactly like dogs?
He got to see the creators talk passionately about art and how movies can bring other people joy. JOY?! If only my kiddo can endure the monsters, he might find the joy. Kinda like in real life. When conquering your fears and facing adversity leads to the happy ending.
The ancient art of storytelling
Which brings me to Homer’s Odyssey, that ancient of tales.
On the way to school that fateful day, I forgot I was talking to a 6-year-old and jabbered on about “Finding Nemo” and the Odyssey, with its twists and turns and witches and one-eyed giants. I told my son that we keep telling this one story over and over because it’s about ACTUAL LIFE.
We depend on stories and movies and books to give us ideas about how to deal with real monsters. We study how the intrepid hero overcomes obstacles. How he triumphs JOYFULLY. And we lean into these stories when facing our own daily trials.
Then I dropped him off at school and wondered what the day would bring.
Will he face the monster called WATCHING A MOVIE? Or will it take him down? Will he cheer for Nemo and Dory? Or will he hover under his desk because he thinks the sharks are out for blood?
I’m not sure.
I can only send him out into the big scary world and hope for the best. And if he cries and chickens out when the film begins, well, this movie-watching thing will be his cross to bear. At some point he’ll decide to face the darkness and peer into Moano’s cave. And he’ll demand that we all binge-watch Stars Wars. Because he’s ready to slay whatever evil spirit does (or doesn’t exist) there on the big screen.
In the meantime, at least he’s got football.
Hm, did someone mention ESPN comes with Disney Plus? Maybe I gotta shell out my hard-earned cash after all. Then I can finally finish “Moano” when he goes to bed.
Does your kiddo love Disney movies? Share your own movie-watching tips below or on Facebook at MothersRest.